The Guilt-Ridden Struggle of a Mom With Endometriosis

endometriosis moms

3:25PM.

That is the saddest time of my day. At 3:25 pm, I’m left with just enough strength to get myself out of bed, open the blinds, and make myself presentable before he gets home at 3:30.

Sad and anxious.

Can I get out of bed? Can I get my game-face on? All this blasts through my brain in the span of a few seconds until I remember something:

I just can’t bear the thought of him seeing me like this day in and day out.

In that moment, I make the decision.

I get up.

Who’s He?

Who am I trying to impress? Who is he?

My 6 year old son, Howie.

The sad truth is, there isn’t much I can do about it. As much as I fight to get out of bed, straighten myself up, smile, and be supportive – it’s always lurking. The pain. The fatigue. The mental cloud.

I’m a mom with endometriosis.

I’m a mom with endometriosis.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly lucky to be a MOM with endometriosis. I almost wasn’t a mom at all. Miscarriages, pregnancy troubles – my son is our miracle child.

I’m eternally grateful.

But, it saddens me to think I’m not ever going to be able to give him what he deserves and that is 100% of me.

I try my best to be fun mom with a side of sass so he’ll maybe have a fun memory or two.

I stay on him about getting homework done and cleaning his room so maybe he’ll look back and feel like I cared.

I make sure I tell him multiple times a day that I love him and that I’m proud of the wonderful and caring young man he’s become, because I do, but also because I want him to know I’m there for him.

Does he feel or recognize any of this? Or am I not hiding this very well? Does he really just think of me as the person who constantly needs rest and looks like a zombie after 11AM?

Does he dream about having a healthy mom who can give him 100%?

These are the things that run through my head every single day. Every single second of every single day.

Every day is a struggle

I’m the type of woman that wants to be the sole caretaker of my family.¬†You know, the matriarch. For me, it’s hard to relax and let others help because I do have this inherent responsibility to mother.

Because of that, personally, I never ask for anything. I still try to do it all on my own.

I know. I need to be OK with it, I need to let others help, I need to let the guilt fall away and trust that they understand what I’m going through.

I’m not sure I will ever get to that point, though. The fight has become part of me, even when I’m not consciously battling against it, it’s still there, churning. Constantly.

The thing is – and maybe this is the great thing that outweighs the sad – I refuse to allow this incurable disease to take control over me. At the end of it all….I think maybe that’s where I’ll succeed. That’s where I’ll get him to see.

I want my son to know I never gave up. I want him to be proud that I always pushed ahead. That I didn’t lie down and let it take me. I want him to understand what it means to be braave.

 

Comments

  1. Valerie says

    Shawnda, that was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read. It brought tears to my eyes, you are a great mother. I will always cherish the memories we made when we were younger. I miss having u in my life but I kno as we grew things would change, that’s life, right? Always know that no matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked that I’m always here if u need anything. Take care of your self & that handsome little boy. Love ya!

  2. Erin says

    I relate to your struggle. I feel you put into words what I could not. Thinking of you and sending prayers for less pain.

  3. Linda says

    there are options for endometriosis, I had stage 4. I tried everything I could even lupron shots for a year, I ended up making the difficult choice of going ahead and having a hysterectomy. I am lucky to have my son after miscarriages and a difficult pregnancy and I wanted more kids but I made the choice to have hysterectomy so that my son could have his mom, the kind of mom he deserves. You don’t have to live in pain, I haven’t had any trouble since the surgery and feels great

  4. Megan says

    When I first met my stepchildren. I had just learned endo was a word, and in me…. and I sadly, didnt have the energy to get up, and see the kids. And I knownit killed my relationship with 3 of them. Thankfully my eldest, stuck around, loves me, and always asking if I am okay, and informs me if something has gluten. Hes been my little rock next to his dad, who has been my big rock.
    I want to be tye good endo mom. Thanknyou fornthis write.

  5. Angie says

    I cried. Heard my daughter say the exact same things about her son and herself. My heart hurts for all you moms out there that have to go through this. Yes….he will learn about bravery and so much more.

  6. Amy says

    This hits home. Sometimes my 4 year old will look at me and say ” Oh mama you look hurty, do you have cramps?”, and it breaks my heart. I think I have my “happy mama” mask on, but she see right through it. As depressing as it can be, I also think that it has made her very compassionate, as well as arming her with a tremendous amount of empathy.
    I just pray she never has to go through any of this.